A Sticky Subject
I recently posted a question on various Misophonia Facebook groups, as well as the Sound Sensitivity Yahoo group, asking what religion were family and family of origin of respondents. Before explaining why I asked, let me make two big disclaimers: I am NOT a theologian or expert on religion. Neither am I a statistician, and this is NOT a scientific study. These are just questions and some speculation as to what the answers might indicate.
I make no judgments here. I am simply observing and later commenting on the outcome of this very informal and non-scientific survey. Please read with an open mind and with curiosity as to what you might make of this information.
THE SURVEY
As I work with various clients/patients dealing with medical issues, particularly misophonia, some common themes often arise. These topics come up in discussions regarding relationships with family members, friends, or others in their lives. After many conversations that touched on two of these themes, I began to wonder how family history, and specifically religious upbringing might have impacted views of the self, and how those, in turn, may have influenced the evolution of personal experiences with this vexing and demanding condition.
When I asked the question about religion and religious upbringing, I got almost 100 replies in a few days. Some were simple and straightforward, one word answers. Others were complex and went into family history. Many commented that their current religious beliefs are not those with which they were raised. Again, bearing in mind that I am not well versed in religious differences, I was struck by the numbers, as they unfolded. I will lay out what I received, what I think it might indicate in terms of misophonia, and welcome comments from those with more understanding of the complexities of religion than I have.
It was difficult to merge categories, for example as some people said “Christian,” while others named a specific denomination. I will leave it to each reader to group the replies, as you see fit, and I will do the same and explain my thinking below. I included Church of England, Protestant, Presbyterian and Episcopalian with Christian, but broke out other denominations.
| 1 | MENNONITE | |
| 7 | BAPTIST | |
| 38 | CATHOLIC | |
| 19 | CHRISTIAN | |
| 8 | METHODIST | |
| 5 | LUTHERAN | |
| 4 | LDS | |
| 4 | JEWISH | |
| 10 | ATHEIST/AGNOSTIC/NONE/OTHER | |
Note what your first impressions of this list might be … Frankly, I had no idea what the percentage of each group is in the general population, so after seeing these results, I looked it up. Here is one version of what I found, from a recent ABC News Poll:
Most of the 50 affiliations cited are Christian denominations, ranging from the Assembly of God to the United Church of Christ. Added up they show that 53 percent of Americans are Protestants, 22 percent Catholics and 8 percent other Christians, such as Mormons or Jehovah’s Witnesses.
But what I noticed – and what peaked my interest in discussions with clients in the first place – was what seemed like a high number of Catholics and other Christian denominations. According to that poll, 22 percent of Americans identify as Catholic, but over 40 percent of those who replied to my question were raised Catholic (though many said they no longer practice). Adding together the numbers from the ABC Poll, 61 percent identified as Protestant or other Christian, while my survey found a combined total of 44 percent. I did not indicate above, but many of the various named religions in my survey were prefaced by or followed by such words as “strict” or “very strict” or “very conservative” or “German” other similar qualifiers.
Bear in mind that this is NOT a scientific study, that those who replied were self-selected, and may not statistically represent the community of people with misophonia as a whole. Nevertheless, I found this interesting, and reflective of my clients, as well. So why does this interest me, as a therapeutic clinician working to assist people who struggle with this condition? And what were the two themes that peaked my professional curiosity?
THEMES
Here are some examples that relate to these two themes that I have often heard from teens and young adults:
- I feel really bad about this problem, like I am a burden to my family.
- My mom is already stressed and depressed — I cannot tell her more details of how I really feel because she won’t be able to handle it.
- Hardly any of my friends know about this problem. I don’t want to tell them.
- People who do know usually forget and do things that bother me, and then they apologize a lot, which makes me even more uncomfortable.
- My dad is the worst trigger for me, but I cannot say anything because he thinks I am over-reacting.
- I don’t want my teachers to know, because they will embarrass me in class.
- My mom is my worst trigger, but I can’t discuss it with her because she gets angry and defensive.
- I am so angry at my little brother, but I can’t do anything about it because he is not trying to be a problem — he just IS.
- Sometimes I think I cannot take it anymore and I just want to die … But if I killed myself, my family would be even madder at me. And I can’t tell them I feel that awful, because it will just make them feel worse.
Although you may see it otherwise, to me these thoughts all reflect two main themes that I hear in many of my sessions: guilt and shame. Let’s start by defining those terms, which people often use interchangeably.
|
GUILT |
SHAME |
| Focus on behavior: I did something bad or wrong. | Focus on self: I am bad for what I did, or just for being who I am. |
| “I’m sorry – I made a mistake.” | “I’m sorry – I AM a mistake.” |
| “If only I hadn’t …” | “If only I weren’t …” |
| Linked to empathy and understanding other perspectives; can be motivating to work toward change | According to research, highly correlated with addiction, depression, aggression, eating disorders, violence, bullying, suicide *** |
*** and maybe we can speculate, also correlated with medical problems that involve one’s self-perception, such as misophonia
DISCUSSION
Religious beliefs give shape and comfort to those who practice them. People often find community and support from their church or other religious groups, and I have been told of many who share their medical concerns and receive prayers and compassion from other members of their congregations. It is one of the best qualities of being a part of a religious community.
On the other hand, many religions include a focus on guilt and shame. People with misophonia often seem to feel guilty – for the pain they are causing their family members, for the need they have to leave a situation, for making other people uncomfortable, etc. – as if they are doing something deliberately and could “just stop it” if they wanted to or if they just tried harder.
In addition, I believe they are experiencing shame – for being a person with this disorder, for not being able to “just stop it,” for the perception that there is something wrong with them for not trying harder.
And so we come to my curiosity behind this survey. I wondered what role shame, a fundamental aspect of many religious traditions, might play in relation to misophonia. Many clients, both teen and adult, have told me that, at least initially, their family was not understanding, blamed them for this behavior, criticized them for disrupting the family, or for embarrassing the family with other people (like sitting at a different table, which invited others to attack the parents for being too indulgent, or not strict enough). And many feel embarrassed to tell others about the problem, again I think as they are somewhat ashamed, as if they are at fault for having this condition.
When people with misophonia decide to tell others, to divulge this “secret,” there can be significant relief. They still have this problem, but no longer have to act like they don’t, which is exhausting. When they find a simple explanation, they don’t have to glare and hope the person understands the meaning of the dirty looks – which they rarely do. (“I’m having trouble concentrating on this test because I am distracted by that gum – here’s a fresh piece that I hope you will please save for later.” “I have a sound sensitivity and certain sounds hurt my ears – it would be great if you would eat those crunchy things in the lunchroom, instead of at your desk.”)
CONCLUSION
I realize I am treading on thin ice here, that discussions about religion are generally not appropriate, especially coming from a professional who is not in the field. I also know that it is hard enough to be a parent, let alone a parent of a child with special needs, and that anything that feels like criticism of parenting will raise defenses, even if intended as an observation, not a criticism. I also realize I may be inviting attacks and hostility by raising these questions.
What I hope can occur is that families can consider how their personal attitudes and upbringing may have had an impact on themselves and their kids, and maybe bring some light to a subject mostly kept in the dark. I think many of the respondents to this survey already made that connection in some ways themselves, as they replied that they were raised in one way, but left and found their own path when they could. My desire is to find ways to make life easier for families and individuals struggling with misophonia, and I am hopeful that this will be another avenue for that to occur.
Your thoughts on this complex subject are invited. I do hope you will think about what you want to say and avoid outright attacks!
Love to the misophonia community,
DrJ
This is a great article. I think many people with religious upbringing are taught to not confront, disrespect or question those who are looked at as leaders or elders which include parents. We were expected to sit at the dinner table while the adults chew, smack, crunch but tell the children to eat with their mouth closed. When it’s pointed out to us as kids and then we see adults doing it (mainly mom and dad) we can’t say anything about it. It grows and festers… You see it more and more. It becomes louder and more apparent. You start to focus in on their noises and why can’t you tell them to stop. Because it’s disrespectful… Guilt and shame of the feelings and also resentment build and build. Now as an adult both my parents have become much more laid back and us kids have expressed the noise problems but in a way that my parents don’t feel they are being attacked. Their actually pretty awesome about it. And I’m very lucky my husband doesn’t take my Miso personally. With these positive responses my Miso has gotten quite a bit better. It helps I have 3 kids that keep me distracted. Now being at work is a whole different story.
Thank you, Emily. I think you “got” what I was intending. I like your comment that your miso has gotten better with a more positive environment — that is also another valuable aspect of this discussion.
Interesting concept, the relationship with guilt and shame. If this relationship has merit then this must be a psychologically issue, not neurological????
Thank you for the comment and the question, Martin. As you know, there is not yet sufficient research to answer that question, but I think it is both a neurological condition, but also one with intense family and other emotional aspects. I believe the value of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in treating Misophonia is that it addresses the reactivity and emotionality aspects of this neurological condition. It seems to me, as I work with people, that the condition gets worse largely because of the circumstances surrounding the initial problem. Definitely complicated! What do you think?
I see what you are saying with this but I think that guilt and shame and the stigma associated with these type of conditions is not necessarily based in religion. People have other moral frameworks to work around and would have those feelings too wouldn’t they?
Thx for the comment, Debbie. Good question! As I said in the disclaimer, this is not a scientific study. It would be interesting to see if there are differences in other groups who do not have a condition such as this. I have no idea. All I know is that in my office, this difference in religious background jumped out and seemed worthy of note.
Interesting article.
Most people I have talked with, either in person or online, have said something like this:
I used to feel like I was going crazy, and not being able to talk about it made it worse. Now that I know Miso is an actual thing/condition, that it IS a (mental?) illness, I feel much less crazy. (The contradiction that having a name for the condition makes one feel more able to deal with it, and feel less crazy.)
When we think we are alone, that we are the only one, we feel ashamed, like there is something wrong with us. It is a moral castigation against ourselves. When we know it is a condition, and we know that there literally IS something wrong with us, but it is a condition, it becomes something separate from ourselves, something we suffer from, instead of some failing of our very being.
The confusion between illness and sin is something that has plagued many religions historically.
Being able to come out and say “this is a condition I suffer from, and these are the accommodations I use to be able to experience life despite this condition” is a very freeing thing.
One comment on your groupings… I noticed that you put Mennonite all by itself, but you conflated the Pagans (I know of at least two who answered your survey) with the Atheists and agnostics, listing them only as “other”. This causes pagans to disappear, Pagans are often highly spiritual and/or religious, whereas Atheists reject religion and magical thinking. The various groups of Christians that you did break apart (Baptist, Christian, Methodist, Lutheran) are much closer in theological thought than Pagans and Atheists, or even Pagans and Agnostics. The effect of these groupings feels dismissive of Pagans, and of any other unnamed religions that might have been subsumed under “other”.
Katie, thank you for thinking on this with me. I appreciate your input. I also appreciate your comment about the tally system I used. I had no idea how to group people. I sort of ended up with non religious and alternative-to-mainstream religions in one group, which as you point out may have not been the best way to approach it.
I loved reading your conclusion. I truly believe that with a more positive outlook and upbringing for those of us that suffer with misophonia that the disease is easier to deal with. I have never felt shame because of how I feel and react to others. I have always been very respectful when I’ve asked people to please stop doing something because it annoys the heck out of me. If I’m in a situation where there is just too much going on and im not able to ask for a little silence…I politely remove myself from the situation. I have always been big on manners and respect because that is how I was raised. I do believe religion is a big aspect on how I have dealt with my misophonia.
Thank you for this article.
Lynell, thx for your comments. In my experience, people with this condition are far more polite and aware of others in their surroundings than most people are. That becomes one of the big challenges, that there is an expectation others will behave in a similar manner, and much of the time, they don’t. That’s where the Judgment part comes in. See the earlier blog I wrote on Myers-Briggs for a discussion about judgment.
I appreciate your personal research on the subject.
As a Catholic I wasn’t surprised to find the majority of your respondents were Catholic. I intentionally didn’t raise my children with guilt or shame because of my own negative experiences growing up. But who knows maybe some of what I acquired as a child seeped out of me during raising my kids. unintentionally of course. And maybe some of what seeped out of me wasn’t from hard-core Catholicism But maybe because I grew up with an alcoholic father !!! Hmmmm that might be your next research project. 🙂
Thank you for the results your most recent endeavor. Very interesting.
Thank you, Chris. That was why I asked religion in family of origin, in upbringing. I figured that attitudes and Impressions from our childhood do seep out, as you say, especially when we are under stress.
Dr. J.J. (sorry couldn’t resist) Just thrilled to see this as I have always felt the worst part of having misophonia was the shame around character. (as in.. yous is BAD because you can’t seem to demonstrate tolerance)
I am 51.. and so lived for decades without anyone ever having heard of “misophonis”. One of the things that has attracted me in terms of coping is Marshall Rosenberg’s “language of life”. Such riches in his ideas! Also.. Brene Brown’s work goes so well with his. You so touched on the shame component.. as I said.. just thrilled to read your words here. Thank you thank you!
Melissa, thank you for your comments. I’m glad you enjoyed the article. You also mentioned two of my favorite authors!
Interesting that the proportions of Catholic and Jewish respondents were about double that found in the general population in America, both religions of which have sometimes jokingly been tagged with being shame-inducing. For me, it doesn’t matter how respectfully I might deal with someone by whom I feel triggered, as I still feel shame because of my perception that I am inconveniencing another person in some way. Unsure of how much of a role my Catholic upbringing plays in this, but your survey results are striking. Would love to see you or someone else do a scientific study on this topic with an even bigger sample size. Than you for opening up the topic.
Thx Nancy. Probably not going to be me doing that larger study — maybe a college or high school miso person would like to take it on as a study/thesis. I had the same thought you did about Jewish/Catholic guilt, and was surprised by the large disparity. But again, this is not necessarily a representative sample. Or maybe Catholic guilt shows up differently than Jewish guilt … (I hear a Jewish mother joke percolating, so I’ll just stop now :+) )
Frankly, I think there is absolutely no connection between the shame/guilt aspect of misophonia and religion. I come from a non-practicing Catholic background, for the record, and I am an atheist. I am also a social scientist and thank you for being forthcoming about the non-scientific validity of your survey. It is certainly interesting to explore this aspect of the condition. However, I remain convinced that the guilt/shame aspect is not related to religion but rather to the fact that RAGE is one of the most common manifestations of misophonia. When we are triggered, we become very, very angry, and often we act on our anger with hateful words, gestures, or actions. Then we feel guilty later and ashamed for that behavior. Constant and recurring anger is toxic and makes us feel like bad people. Religion does not necessarily have to play a role at all.
Thank you for the comments, Sarah. I agree with some of what you said. I understand when people are triggered and angry, they may act in ways that later lead to guilt and shame. I wonder about the early roots of misophonia, whether guilt and shame are exacerbated in an environment that heavily relies upon those feelings for teaching control or self-discipline. Perhaps some of those intense feelings develop because of an environment that conveyed judgment for expressing negative feelings, that are then bottled up and burst out later. Just musing …
I would like to throw an interesting fact into the pot. I have identical twin daughters who were brought up in the same environment. One of my daughters has Misophonia (quite severe I would say) and severe OCD too (classed as extreme on the cy-bocs scale)and the other does not. I also have a son (younger)who has neither Misophonia nor OCD. I never know if it supports the nature or the nurture side of the debate. If there was a genetic component wouldn’t both girls have it but equally if it is environmental wouldn’t both girls(and possibly my son) have it??
That is very interesting, Debbie! Your family would likely make great subjects for a study, if someone wanted to do one! As parents, we don’t actually provide the exact same environment for our kids. They each grow up in their own version of the family, with more or less attention, more or less colic or illness, and different school experiences that occur outside of our awareness. Perhaps the daughter with miso had some different interactions with others, or food allergies, or other sensitivity that you did not observe. Or maybe she was exposed to some sounds that her sister did not hear, because they were not always in the exact same situation at all times. It would be VERY interesting and informative to have someone study your family!
While I appreciate the research you have done, we must be careful how the results are interpreted. All religions use sin and guilt to control their flock. Religion is an excellent form of social control and your results do not surprise me. With misophonia, I believe it lack of awareness and also the increased self-centeredness of people. 100 years ago we all needed the co-operation of family and community to survive, now we do not. I was raised Christian although realised when i was 9 that there was no way of truly knowing if someone believed what they say they did and the most, in my opinion, were hypocrites. Most people have difficulty understanding the experience of misophonia unless they to suffer from the condition.
I appreciate your concerns, Mary-Rose. It was not actually a research project, but simply gathering some information to consider, in light of some issues that were raised during counseling sessions. I am not interpreting the results but posing them to readers to draw your own conclusions.