LIFE IS NOT FAIR

I’m thinking of the times when our kids complain that something is not fair: who gets to sit in the front seat, whose turn to pick dessert, who has to share a room when Grandma comes for a visit, who has to deal with a medical condition that does not go away … What do you say when you hear those complaints? Most parents try to be rational and explain why it has to be this way, at least for now. Sometimes we try commiserating with the cranky child, acknowledging their feelings while holding the line on who will sleep where. And other times, in exhaustion and frustration, we throw our hands up and say, angrily, “Fine! Have it your way!” They “win,” but everybody loses. And sometimes there just is no answer, other than “Yes, I know it is unfair and I wish I could fix it, but I can’t …”

Now here is where the tables are reversed. What we have to do, because we are the parents, often seems unfair. It isn’t fair that we are sleep-deprived for months when we have a fussy baby. It isn’t fair that we often have to put one child’s needs and wishes over another child’s. It isn’t fair that we have to give up some of our own plans in order to deal with a sick child, or cancel a long-planned vacation when a family member is in the hospital.

On the other hand, it isn’t fair that some children are born into a war torn country, or go to bed hungry every night, or are blind or crippled due to malnutrition. It isn’t fair that some children are beaten or raped or stolen from their families.

Sometimes life just isn’t fair.

We all learn that during our childhood or adolescence. But some of us never quite come to terms with that reality. We are angry, rather than accepting. We lash out, rather than deal with disappointment. Or we try to swim against the tide, pushing and demanding to get our way, regardless of the outcome. If we are fortunate, we grow up in a family that can manage our outbursts without getting dragged down into a battle, or without feeling abandoned when they seem to give up on us.

However, if we are like many people, our family’s coping skills are not that strong. We never learn how to tolerate frustration, disappointment, or perceived injustice. Either we get our way no matter what, or we are forced to deal, without good tools. Neither is a healthy outcome.

And now to the part you may really not like. Your kids did not choose to be born into this family, or at all. And they certainly didn’t choose to have a debilitating medical or psychological problem. (Ok, some people believe that we DO make those choices, but generally people think our very existence is a matter of a certain amount of luck.) Young children do not have the emotional maturity or intellectual capacity to understand a medical problem. Some seem to accept such challenges better than others, but they generally need help to do that. While we DON’T want to accommodate to every whim or desire our kids express, and we DO want them to learn that the world is not always going to accommodate for them either, there are certain places where we have to make allowances.

Often the hardest things for kids with misophonia to experience are the chewing sounds at the table or in the car or classroom. When they are younger and you don’t understand what is wrong, you may very logically insist they sit at the table during dinner. And you may, as many adults do, want to chew gum or eat crunchy snacks in the car or while watching TV. Here is where reasonable accommodation comes in. You cannot stop breathing, and you may or may not be able to change the tone of your voice, if those are triggers for your child. But you certainly can do such things as:

• Stop chewing gum when your child is around
• Stop eating in the car or crunching in front of the TV
• Find other family activities that do not involve food
• Allow your child to eat separately from you, or to eat while you sit at the table without also eating
• Use an antihistamine or cough syrup, if your post-nasal drip makes you clear your throat often
• Allow your child to use noise canceling headphones or white noise generators in the car or at the table
• Allow your child to choose the type of restaurant easiest to tolerate (often a noisy place with lots of ambient sound, but for some kids, there is no good restaurant)
• Use paper plates and/or plastic utensils to avoid the clanging sound
• Become more aware of your habitual movements (foot jiggling, knuckle cracking, key or coin rattling in pockets, etc)

You are right that it isn’t fair that you cannot chew gum or eat chips when your miso child is around. But lots of things in life are not fair. If you can learn to deal with these limitations, you will be in a better position to help your child learn to deal with the unfairness of having a medical problem. And consider it an opportunity to demonstrate consideration and diplomacy, by explaining what you are doing and how you are doing it. NOT in a martyr “look what I have to sacrifice for you” kind of way, but more like “this is a concession I am making for you, because I love you and I can do this” way, where later you can ask for a reasonable concession from your child, when there is something he or she can actually manage to do.

Life may not always be fair, but it is what it is, and we can all do a lot better by learning to accept what we cannot change, while continuing to work on what we can.