“Why Me?” Perspective

WHY IS GOD DOING THIS TO ME?

In 1987, my new client sat in my office and sobbed, “I’m a good person. This is not fair. I don’t deserve this. Why is God doing this to me?” He had recently been diagnosed as HIV-positive, close to a death penalty in those days.

Not long after that, I happened to hear a rabbi speaking, and I later asked him what he says when people ask, “Why me? Why is God doing this to me?” His reply was one I have shared many, many times in the years since then. He said, “Why you? Why NOT you? Worse things have happened to better people than you or I. We all have our crosses to bear. Everyone has problems and challenges. This just happens to be yours.” He went on to say, “Do you ask ‘Why me?’ when things are good — when you get what you want — or only when you feel treated unfairly?”

While this may sound harsh, I have actually found the perspective to be helpful. Without demeaning the pain, difficulty, or sadness a person is experiencing — and after possibly several weeks acknowledging and validating the reality of that pain — I often suggest that people find YouTube stories of people who are dealing with much greater difficulties than their own: people who are paralyzed because of an accident but who play in a wheelchair basketball league; a child born with no legs who learns to run and play baseball on prosthetic limbs; a blind skier; someone who uses a paintbrush in his teeth because he has no arms, or who uses her feet to drive or play piano for the same reason. There are many examples of people facing major life issues who find ways to create a good life, in spite of these serious challenges. When I see these stories, I stop and wonder about whatever complaint I just had about some problem in my own life, and realize that someone else would consider my “paltry” problem a blessing, by comparison.

The point is NOT to make comparisons, but over time to develop an “attitude of gratitude,” to look at the glass half-full (or as my colleague Chellie Campbell says, to be grateful for having a glass). We all have difficulties, some decidedly worse than others. Yet some people who have relatively small problems act as if their life is over, while others with much greater problems are thankful to be alive. It is a matter of attitude and perspective. My mother had a friend who had more medical problems than any one person should have to endure, yet she proclaimed that she was very lucky because “my tumors are encapsulated!” She may not have lived as long as she would have liked, but her life was rich with friendships and family.

There is a story on my website www.LemonAidCounseling.com/stories about two soldiers with similar dramatic injuries. They cannot change the circumstances of their lives nor the fact of their lifetime confinement to wheelchairs. They both live about the same length of time, but the quality of their lives is vastly different, solely because of their personal attitudes about the things they cannot change, and their decisions and actions based on those attitudes.

So, when you are feeling down, beleaguered, or even crushed by your problems, go ahead and lick your wounds, cry, wail, feel sorry for yourself, pull the covers over your head for a while … and then get up, go online and find some of those inspirational people who have overcome tremendous odds and still find a way to make every day count. Maybe later you will also find someone who could use your help, someone having their own troubles that your presence may be able to assuage. Remember, this is not to say your problems don’t count or are not important — they DO and they ARE — but to give you hope that you can have a good life in spite of those problems, or maybe even because of them.

For the record, that HIV-positive client eventually went on to develop full-blown AIDS, but by then, the medication regimes had improved. He is now close to 70 years old …