Coping Strategies

Whenever I speak with my misophonia clients, we inevitably discuss ways to cope with this problem, at home, at school, and out in public. By far, the most difficult situations seem to be at home. I think that is for two reasons:

1. You hold it together as well as you can and when you get home, you just can’t do it any more. You are tired. You are worn out and worn down. So you let your frustrated feelings out on those at home. It would be analogous to the guy who gets pushed around by his boss, comes home and yells at his wife, who then jumps on the kids, who then fight with each other, or maybe kick the dog. Those pent up feelings are just itching for a way out, and when you do finally let them out, they tend to come out BIG!
2. Letting out your frustration, anger, and all-around irritation seems a lot safer to do at home than at school or in public. Generally, while they may not like hearing these feelings directed at them, your family is your safe haven. Usually, they are not going to kick you out, or stop loving you. (I say “generally” and “usually” intentionally, because they are also human, and they have their own level of frustration that sometimes spills over.)

So what do you do to cope with the intense emotions that come up every day, often a zillion times a day? In discussing this with clients, we have identified a few useful strategies that we have named.

The Pajama Effect

When people are out in public, we generally wear clothing that fits the occasion. That clothing might be somewhat tight, restrictive, or uncomfortable, but we think it looks good. When we get home, most people immediately kick off their shoes and go barefoot, or put on some comfy slippers. We take off the belt, unzip tight clothing, and women quite commonly remove their bras and other undergarments. We put on loose-fitting, comfortable, at-home clothing for lounging around the house. We let down and let it all hang out!

This is similar to the behavior described above, letting out the breath that has been held all day, letting go of the tightly-reined wish to scream at others. Consider actually naming this behavior The Pajama Effect, explaining to family members that you need time to drop the controlled public persona, and to just let loose for a bit. The challenge is to find a way to let off enough steam to feel better, but then stop and find a more balanced mid-point, where you can also maintain relationships with your family members.

The Restaurant Effect

Every person with misophonia has had at least one bad experience in a restaurant, with the most annoying sounds all around. However, every one with whom I have spoken has also had a restaurant experience that was tolerable, at least for a while. This seems to be for two reasons:

• you are in public and are trying very hard to hold it together; and
• there is a lot of noise in the background that almost drowns out any specific irritating sound.

So consider creating The Restaurant Effect at home. Find a downloadable sound track of restaurant noise and play it at dinner. If you happen to have a surround-sound system in your house, try running the sound through that. See if that brings at least a brief time when you can sit at the table with your family.

The Picnic Effect

Some people with misophonia have trouble with the sounds of silverware and plates. Most people who go on a picnic use paper plates and plasticware. Try using those at your family table and see if that helps.

Synchronized Eating

Most people with misophonia have trouble hearing others eat crunchy foods. Some have found that if they eat the same food at the same time, taking a bite when the other person does, the sound of their own chewing counter-balances the sound of the other person’s crunching. This may help you get through at least part of a meal with family or others.

The Rating Scale

I often suggest that people create a scale, to measure irritating sounds on a continuum from 1-10 or 1-100. Let’s say you are using 1-10. Give each annoying sound a number, with 1 being the least troublesome and 10 being the worst. Now, any time you experience one of those sounds, rate it. If it is 5 or lower, it means you may find it unpleasant, but you can tolerate it for a while (maybe long enough to have dinner or to watch TV with your family). If it is closer to a 10, then you might need to remind your family member of that sound, or leave the room, or go run around the block to let off some energy from the irritation. NOTE: Not every sound is a 10! If you allow yourself to grade things on this scale, you will find at least some sounds are manageable, at least for a little while.

The Bobo Bag

Misophonia clients frequently say they feel like punching someone for their mindless chewing or other noises. Sometimes (especially younger children) actually do physically attack family members or others. It is extremely important to find ways to let off steam and let out anger without hitting someone or destroying relationships. Some people find they can go to their bedroom and scream into their pillow. Others find that punching that pillow is a good way to release tension. Some people actually get a punching bag or a Bobo doll that you can knock down and it pops back up. I have one client who signed up for boxing class and loves it!