Misophonia, Parenting, and Boundary Setting

When your child was little, you taught him/her basic social skills, appropriate behaviors that allow civilized people to interact with each other. “No hitting. No biting. Use your words.” Now that you have a highly reactive person living inside your precious child, you are called upon to once again do that parenting thing, setting boundaries that are appropriate for the situation and the specific child.

Clearly, children with any kind of special needs require adjustments of parental expectations for behavior. However, that does not mean you can give up, bury your head in the guilt, sadness, and yes, even resentment you might feel, and let wild, uncontrolled, unharnessed behavior run your household.

All children need and expect boundaries and limits. The most normal child will test those limits (especially notable during the “Terrible Twos” and again in adolescence). Testing limits is how our kids learn what they can and cannot do. It is how they come to understand how the world they live in works.

• Our job as parents, like it or not, is to set appropriate limits and stick to them.
• Their job as kids is to test those limits to see if they are real.
• They sometimes push so hard that they cause a collapse in those around them.
• Hard as it is to hold the line, it is our responsibility as parents to do so – calmly, matter-of-factly, non-reactively.
• Kids need limits to contain their behavior. They will push against the walls, but underneath it all, they do not want the power to cause the walls to cave in. They want and need a solid brick wall, not a flimsy canvas tent, especially when their emotions are totally out of control. They need the adults in their lives to provide that containment, even as they fight against it.

I strongly believe you have the right, as parent and as human being, to require appropriate behavior from your child. Here are some examples:

• I know you are angry. It is understandable that you are upset. Even so, you may not hit me (or your sister, etc). If you feel like hitting to get some of your feelings out, you may hit this pillow, or go outside and throw the basketball against the wall.
• I know that yelling is one way to get out some of your anger. Actually, I can see that yelling is probably better than hitting. However, I expect you to make some changes in the words you use when you yell at me. You may not call me names, and you may not swear at me. Please try instead to name the feeling behind that name-calling. Like, “I am ANGRY! I HATE that sound! Hearing that sound makes me want to yell at you and hit you!”

Parenting is difficult under the most ideal circumstances. When you have a child with volatile emotions, it becomes almost unbearable. It is almost as if you, the parent, have this unbearable parallel to what your child describes as intolerable or unbearable pain and distress from Misophonia. You have your own hell to live with, as your child has his or hers.

Being a parent who can manage strong emotions and reactions does not come naturally to many people. You did not necessarily have ideal role models. You may not automatically have a calm and steady nervous system yourself. You may even have Misophonia, so you have to deal with your own strong reactions, as well as those of your child. When pushed to the limits of your tolerance, you may very naturally push back, or give up. It’s your own version of fight or flight.

Living with Misophonia in your home is an extremely difficult proposition. Regardless of who the identified patient may be, it is truly a family disorder. It is much bigger than you can or should be expected to manage alone. Please get help from a qualified family therapist. Your survival as a person, parent, and family may well depend on it.