MANNERS POLICE

One of the most challenging and unusual characteristics of Misophonia sufferers is the tendency to make judgments about the sounds they find offensive. They frequently comment that a sound (such as chewing, sniffling, or slurping) is “disgusting.” Furthermore, that makes the person who is creating the sound also “disgusting.” Miso folks tend to then glare at the offender, expecting him or her to “get it,” and to stop chewing gum or breathing loudly or stop making whatever the irritating sound is. So you now have TWO problems: the sound that is neurologically upsetting to you, plus the aggravation at the person making the sound. You may find yourself highly critical of that person’s manners.

From my perspective, here is one way to relieve some of your suffering, as one of my clients said our work has helped her learn to do: LET GO OF THE JOB OR NEED TO BE THE MANNERS POLICE (I think she actually said “morality police,” but same idea). You do not have to take that on. You already have this neurological condition that causes plenty of suffering, in and of itself. You did not choose to have that problem, and you are doing your best to cope with it. But one thing you CAN choose and learn to do is to stop making moral judgments about other people’s behavior:

• Even if you are right.
• Even if their behavior is obnoxious.
• Even if they can and ought to know better.
• Even if “the offending sound is socially unacceptable.”

You don’t have to like or approve of the behavior. But do consider how much easier things will be for yourself (and for your family members) if you can decide that it is socially unacceptable, and also NOT your problem to do anything about it. If you can train yourself to shrug off that part, you will still be left with the trigger (gum chewing, etc) but without the added burden of angst you carry about the person chewing the gum. Give yourself permission to drop the role of manners police and see what happens.